*Sigh*. How I've missed my blogging time.Well, this is me at the moment. I literally have no idea and feel like my future is that of the vast, blank room above.
During the last 3 months, I thought all the major foundations for my life had finally all been laid. I believed I was finally re-connected with the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and found both excitement in the plans that were in the near future and contentment in the familial and 'complete' structure it brought with it.
Somehow, it was also one of the most stressful segways of my life... constant change and adaptation physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Regardless, within the matter of about 5 days, it was all completely ripped away.
Funny that I have drafts of blogs about the wonderfulness that was Daniel but none of them were ever finished or posted. Just as the purpose I thought he held in our lives never came to completion.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a job I enjoy and, of course, the most important thing: Kahyim. BUT, everything I believed I was working ahead towards and the soul-connection I believed I had made is completely gone.
It's different than the last time. I don't know why but I have a 'clarity' of sorts this time telling me it really isn't going to work, there's no more waiting and that perhaps what I got wasn't what I believed I was waiting for anyways.
So... I literally "Have No Idea". The blog title rings true. :)
Check out this excerpt:
“In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us calmness, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life’s way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life’s way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity."
I believe this with my head, I really do. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up though. I know that this new blank canvas means I have the opportunity to fill it with whatever things I want... there is no limit to what I can paint upon it. It's just still a little overwhelming at the moment and at times frustrating b/c my heart says, "I want what WAS there."
Optimistically, I know the bareness of the space will be exciting for me. I thrive on change and adventure after all... I have just momentarily lost track of that part of myself-- and honestly seemed to lose a lot of myself within the confines of that relationship for some reason. Probably the timing-- so many changes with moving (twice) and settling and whatnot-- and also the maintenance of the relationship itself. In hindsight, I realize that I spent most of my time trying to make everyone happy and it completely drained me of everything I had to offer. Basically I nurtured myself dry. I not only had K to nurture, I was trying to nurture him and the relationship and his unending insecurities and unhappiness. As much as I care for him, I really really really need to learn that I can't FIX people. I can't force them to be joyful, or grateful, and I can't provide primary happiness FOR them. They have to choose it.
But enough psychobabble. What's done is done. My heart is on the mend and I plan on focusing on staying very self-aware for awhile... really making sure that I choose the right things to paint on my canvas, or put in that vacant room.
I'm just starting to feel the life rise back up in me... the excitement just to live and experience... the drive to explore and encounter all the opportunities this world holds for me and the ones I love.
Here's two quotes I found that have helped:
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
and
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
And finally I found it kind of ironic that once again the scripture that just kind of showed up and really spoke to me is about patience and waiting on the Lord. It is:
"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
~Psalm 27:14
Although the context of "wait" has a more questionable feel this time than the last, I know it holds meaning and promise for me.
Until I have some canvas materials...
