Uncovering Kandice

More on this later...

Serenity - Stillness - Sigh... So now what?

So here I sit, stress free in so many ways. Life hasn't felt like this for a long time. I don't actually even know what to do with myself. I spend my days in a career I am proud of and love- one that has more flexibility than I could have dreamed of and room for creative outlets everywhere. My bills are paid- caught up- and before  know it I'll have a (gasp) huge savings. My time with Kahyim is genuine and real and I can be there 100% again. My time spent alone is enjoyable... my mind no longer preoccupied with worry, I am able to find joy in immersing myself in life.

I have to admit, it's also a little weird. Like the calm that follows a storm. I catch myself asking "Um, what should I do?" or "Wait, why is my mind empty?". It's also odd to have the ability to do things I have wanted to for a long time (move into a condo/house... buy an FJ... plan a trip) yet I stop those thoughts or don't have the desire to actually DO them now that I COULD. I don't really like our apartment but I don't want to move. I get a flicker of excitement imagining cruising in an FJ but I don't have the desire to go through the process of buying one. I have trip ideas but plan to push out the planning for awhile. I guess I'm just enjoying the stillness.

Here's a good comparison. I feel like I would if I had climbed a mountain in order to cliff jump off the top plateau. Of course I'm excited about the thrill of the jump but after all the effort of hiking up there, you better believe I just want to stand in the quiet and look around. Breathe deeply. Use all the wide open space surrounding me to just think. That's where I'm at.

All the words of gratitude I can come up with couldn't touch how deeply grateful I am for where God has placed me in life right now.

So, for awhile, I'm content to just appreciate all things serene - stand in the stillness - really feel the relief of the sigh.