27 Days of Thankfulness Day 1 - My Inner Circle

I saw this notion on social media and really liked the thought of doing it... of the positivity it would bring, so I am going to do it on here. I think the less-exposed venue of my blog seems a better place than social media sites.

It is supposed to be Nov 1st -27th, but when have you ever known me to color inside the lines? I'll actually be traveling all next week, so I wanted to get it going a few days early.

A few words about my inner circle... they probably do not represent the "normal" inner circle of a 34-year-old woman, but I am proud as hell to be able to say that each one of them has been cultivated into my "inner circle" throughout my lifetime.

Kahyim- She's amazing. Beautiful-inside-and-out. Brings laughter into my day, every single day. I'm blown away that her sparkle, thoughtfulness, intuitiveness and golden heart are not just a part of my life, but from by own being. She's mine but she's her own- and the balance of these things is a natural wonder all it's own. Her intelligence, her manner and her gifts exceed any that I have seen in someone so young. I cannot begin to imagine what they will develop into as her life deepens and unfurls. She is captivating. There simply are not enough words...

Christian- Spectacularly driven. Unfathomably genuine. I have never seen humor/laughter co-exist with sensitivity/awareness in a person as they do within him. He shares with me the never-ending awe of life and all that can be experienced within it. His heart is fresh... pliable... capable of feeling the soft stirs of the spirit while also exuberant and exploding with energy. He is the noble kind of fighter... the one who overcomes adversity with internal strength. Deserving of knighthood in the human experience.  He is one of a kind.

Chane- When we were kids, our mom read us this Gary Smalley book that placed personality traits in the characters of animals. We were supposed to understand each other better this way. As an adult, Chane is somehow capable of coalescing all of these beautiful traits into one human being. As a child, he was the caregiver, the one who appreciated order, controlled, hard-working (the beaver). Today, he manages to be this as well as loyal & warm (golden retriever), enthusiastic & inspirational (otter), and independent & competitive (lion). He withholds the best of them all.  His heart is unmatched in it's openness and giving... and as I've seen people both appreciate and use this rare characteristic, I have realized that he is the realest of the real deals. He encompasses everything as a man that the genuine women of the world dream about. He is a life-sustainer and a treasure.

Kimball- Nothing like me in so many ways but exactly what I need in a soul mate. So much like me in some ways that you wouldn't be able to tell our threads apart when woven into fabric. God-given and God-breathed into my life. This woman at her core is my unequivocal match in fun-loving and adventure-seeking, in living purely and existing in relationship with the Lord, from encouraging to and embracing change to upholding appreciation of the stable and steadfast truths, in the ability and desire to delve into any new experience to finding contentment in the basic human existence. My lifelong confidante, companion and beauty-creator.

Wellness

Perhaps it is because I feel settled & temporarily content, but I have a new-found draw to all-things-wellness. 

I'm not talking about never eating another grain of refined sugar or training for a triathlon.

I have a fresh perspective... a desire to obtain a well-rounded wellness. 

I took this photo from an apple orchard in CO, and although I still feel a strong draw there and see myself there in the future, it has helped to make a decision to stay here until K graduates. It's given me a chance to look around me (figuratively and literally) and remember what it is I want to spend the hours of my days doing/accomplishing. 

A wellness with balance.

A wellness that has time for God, for others, and time for me.

There is no doubt that my personality defaults to dreaming and serving the world, to existing as a circle of influence that really never stops swiftly spinning. 

However, for whatever reason, the spin has been somewhat sedated recently. 

If I'm being honest with myself, I like it and I don't.

I am enjoying the freedom and clarity it is bringing, but I feel like I'm lacking something...

My thoughts jump into- "What can I pursue? Where can I go full-throttle?"

Yet none of the answers provide opportunities that are able to fulfill the right-now.

They all fall into the futuristic category- and my invigoration around them does not fade- but I am able to place them out there for another time, their purposed time.

So, here I am- finding clarity in fewer things, focusing on my individual world...

Filtering my impulses, living in a semi-dramatic "pause" and placing my desires in 2015 and beyond.

On the Road Again...

In the last two weeks I've been to Dallas and Boston. That being said, we need to take a time out and talk about the amazingness that Boston is. I think it may need to be my next stop (when K graduates).  I loved everything about it... the cobblestone streets, the North End, the harbor, the people (yes, the people). It was the first time I went somewhere and had it not been for K, I might not have come back.
In fact, I am really struggling with this idea of destination. I volley daily- Drowning in my desire to up and go and create a new adventure somewhere else, then appreciating the realization of what Cheyenne holds for me, for us, until K is done with school- family, stability, her siblings, and so on.
I wonder why it seems so easy for everyone else to live their 8-5, to go home and be CONTENT. Here we go again... that word always seems to pop up on this blog. Alas, contentment in many areas still escapes me.
I see so many options, so many avenues that my life could take and THE ONLY THING THAT BRINGS ME DOWN IS THE FACT THAT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THEM ALL OR LIVE THEM ALL OUT.
All this takes me to the fact that I have CHOSEN to move.  Yes, this time it is not pressured by anything. Sounds crazy after all we've been through, I know, but I think I chose "home" wrong.  Historic homes- charming as they might be- are not fun to live in. Goodbye waterfall basement, goodbye 'ghosts', goodbye freezing cold winters and suffocating summers.
Hello low-maintenance, well-insulated, attached-garage and dishwasher living.
I also realize that perhaps, in a small way, this move is a release of my need for a new destination. It is me "sealing the deal" on staying put for at least 4.75 years. ;)

My hope is that it serves as K's "home" in her memory... I don't want to deprive her of that just because I have no real ties to the issue. I want her to have a place she is proud of. A place she can remember four straight Christmases in, four summers, years worth of laughter and lightheartedness.

Here's to our longest term home...

Fun-Sized

I am at an all-time ridiculousness with this word. I'm blasting fun this week. All I want to do is be and have fun.
It doesn't always make for the most productive times, but it's nice. It's light. It's freeing.

Last week I stepped back into the world of dating. (You know I have to be in fun-seeking mode to go there).  Both boys I've opened that door to are, you guessed it, FUN.
I'm not even going to lie... I'm excited to see if any of it goes anywhere.

It's weeks like these that I think I could conquer the world with my dynamic ideas and uncontrollable excitement. Here's the kicker...

I am making a new effort- To channel the ideas, excitement and fun-seeking in a new direction. I'm going to aim it ALL in ONE direction... time to make myself fun-sized. We'll see where that takes me. I'll keep you posted.

Who, ME?

It took me forever to pick a photo for today's post. Then I ended up picking two. I guess I have many thoughts revolving in my head and am figuring multiple things out at this point. First, I am coming to realize that I have neglected myself... and that it is a travesty. Another way to say it is I have pedestal'd my roles in life an left out the self-love role. I've been an over the top mom, fueled by community outreach/helping others, seeking out a career that means something with reckless abandon.
I've missed something though... Me. I've missed allowing myself time and energy for the things I love. I've missed nurturing/filling my soul and it eventually ran dry. You can't water someone else when you are empty yourself.
So, I sit here, and I still am not completely sure what that even looks like... to fill oneself.

I know it means accepting what I cannot change and changing what I cannot accept.

I know it means more time for creativity whether it be blogging, scrapbooking, art shows, photography, whatever.

I know it means finding my way back physically- To feeling femininity and beauty, strength and sexiness.

I know that making time for these things means taking time away from other things... figuring out how to use this time in the most efficient manner possible.

So, that's a start. As I sit here typing, I am given another chance to help a homeless family. Another chance to practice healthy boundaries (because I just want to rush out and sweep up all 4 kids but won't). Another reminder that it is HARD for me to focus on "doing me".  HARD for me to not want to give every moment to doing something to lift someone else up out of the disparity that is intertwined and laced into this life.

Clearly this is not an "I've figured it out!" post. It's a processing post. A paradigm shift in the making, but one that I literally fight while I try to make it.

My heart breaks continuously for the things that break the heart of God. That is the ultimate truth of me.
 How I manage to balance this with healthy filling of myself, is what I have to get a grasp on.