There's This Thing Called

...and I no longer have a clue where it's taking me 

or what to do with it.

Just when I thought I had a direction- had started down a track that had at least a 2 year shelf life- and the track doesn't even divert. It just ends. Destination who knows here I come... again.

I'm not even a person who enjoys long-term sameness. I thrive on change but I guess I'm most bothered by the fact that I don't have a single clue what to do next. I don't even have a focused dream (at least not a realistic one... working at a scuba shop in the tropics is not going to happen for at least 8 years).

I went through the regular motions of a local job search and saw nothing. And in complete clarity I know I don't even WANT to work locally... I want to go south! Part of me is screaming "entrepreneur!"- do your own thing! Then the logical side of me warns of the need for stability in order to reach my traveling dreams.

Here's to the unknown, I suppose...

Be

So I have a drive to "be" lately. Be what? A lot of things really...

Inspired- once again- by Compassion Int'l, I want to follow Gandhi's advice to the literal ends of the earth and work in underdeveloped countries providing education and support.  Realizing this isn't exactly realistic at this point in my life first brings me down, then inspires me to "be" in other ways until it is a realistic goal.

I want to BE me again. In all the best ways. I want to be healthy and fit (foremost physically and spiritually).

I want to BE around youth of some sort. I've found in my current career position that contrary to common belief, youth are not only vibrant but they are open minded, eager to grow and expand their knowledge, looking for a realistic and hope-giving model. If we only kept these qualities well into adulthood, I can't imagine where we would be as a society.

I want to BE the most involved mom I can be.

I want to BE financially free. I know, this is a first in the K-book-of-life but for the first time ever it actually seems attainable and it excites me.

I want to BE with child. Eventually. Yep, there I said it. I want one more kiddo not too far down the road. I'm not sure if this means naturally or adoption but the desire is once again there.

And, of course, I want to BE traveling.

I could go on but these are the things that are forefront in my mind...
Here's to the BE!

Dear life,

You threw me a ginormous curveball. One that left me with a bruised & knotted head and a jacked up shoulder.
And a furiousness that is being fanned out in a few ways... dependent upon the moment.

Here's how the furious fans out in the calm, good moments:
It's a clear answer to a consistent and confused prayer I've prayed numerous times over the last few years.
How?
1. It could have been way worse. It was just bad enough that there is no way I'd ever go back.
2. It was random enough that i can't take part of the blame even if i wanted to.
3. K wasn't there/didn't have to see it
4. It's the only way he would have to go away and STAY away.
5. It gave me an experience like I've NEVER before experienced. Truthfully, an experience that will be helpful in my line of work/being a DV advocate.  I've now felt all the horrid emotions that are integrated into abusive relationships and situations.
Empathy. Testimony. Compassion.

In the not so good moments:
It looks much like the above song lyrics. Sawed-off shotgun anyone?
Or... can I just f*** up his only object of self-reliance and self-confidence?... His face!

Today- for the first time since it happened- I am leaning heavily on the "not so" side.
I know it's a scale and as almost always in my mind, when I find my center again... the good will win out.

Until then-
Thanks for reminding me what this little girl's made of...

This would be my latest impulse buy. Although, not super impulsive because I've been coveting the same with a blue background (wishing it wasn't blue) for awhile. Then, be it fate or fortuitous, I came across this one. 


The semi-settledness condition of my life still has me saying "ahhhh" and at the same time feeling ancy. It's a curious combination but one that I'm existing with in a "keep calm and carry on" kind of way. And truthfully, not wanting to change. I want the calm. the settled. I look forward to the exciting but really am not craving it fully yet. The "ahhhh" is good for now.


So, cheers to all this image entails...

Uncovered... Mostly

So life feels a little different. A little better. I'm optimistic again and feeling like I'm seeing myself through a more focused lens.

This will always stay my primary blog. I do whatever I want on it. I say whatever I want. It's emotional and sometimes irrational and well, it signifies a strong part of me. I did start a fresh blog today, though, to be less whimsical and more focused. Traveling and Motherhood is going to be about priorities... the things I do that I'll look back to in order to smile, to feel an appreciation of self and how I spent my time, to feel accomplished in what holds significance to me.

It's a continuation of uncovering myself- in a purposeful way. Actions and reactions with INTENT.

So, here's to both... 

DVSA Advocacy Training

This week I am at a training hosted by the WCADVSA in order to be able to provide advocacy to DVSA survivors. It has been an emotionally and mentally challenging week. I'm excited to be stepping into the new opportunity/type of volunteerism and at the same time feel totally inadquate to do it. We have learned that it takes a MINIMUM of 2 years experience to be a good advocate so I'm sure my concerns are justified.
It has, however, exposed me to the horrific sides of life that I- for the most part- never had to be introduced to.
And quite frankly, it's making me feel like the world is pretty damn ugly. The ideology is all about social change... the DVSA movement is only about 30 years old and the changes that have already been made are major and significant. So, it's not that the movement is stalled or lacking, it's just that it's such a huge and horrific problem.
Just like the Civil Rights Movement, I have hope in seeing the power differentials equaled and hope in seeing a future of less victims, but also know that just like I've seen in my own father (speaking racism issues here), that laws don't change narrow/inaccurate mindsets... they just allow those mindsets to have to be caged/retained.  My biggest issue at the moment is the lack of batterer intervention. We help survivors change/improve their life situations but there has been no really effective way to promote change/betterment in those with battering tendencies. The majority of batterers batter b/c they have been modeled it by family (just as my Dad is a racist b/c it was modeled)... the roots run deep. BUT it clearly isn't a 100% statistic. People have been raised with battering models and not battered. People have been raised with racist models and chosen not to be racist. It's clearly "cure-able" for lack of a better term... or rehabilitative. But it doesn't appear that the movement is working from that angle.
We have teen violence prevention... then jump to survivor advocacy. What about the rehabilitative piece?  Then I find that I contradict myself b/c I believe in rehab for batterers but when it comes to child sexual assault, I have no room for belief in their rehabilitation.
It's been a lot to process. A lot to take on in one week. My "mom-radar" is now peaked and over-protective mode has more than kicked in as a result.

However, it's dinner time. Thanks for letting me reflect...

Uncovering Kandice

More on this later...

Serenity - Stillness - Sigh... So now what?

So here I sit, stress free in so many ways. Life hasn't felt like this for a long time. I don't actually even know what to do with myself. I spend my days in a career I am proud of and love- one that has more flexibility than I could have dreamed of and room for creative outlets everywhere. My bills are paid- caught up- and before  know it I'll have a (gasp) huge savings. My time with Kahyim is genuine and real and I can be there 100% again. My time spent alone is enjoyable... my mind no longer preoccupied with worry, I am able to find joy in immersing myself in life.

I have to admit, it's also a little weird. Like the calm that follows a storm. I catch myself asking "Um, what should I do?" or "Wait, why is my mind empty?". It's also odd to have the ability to do things I have wanted to for a long time (move into a condo/house... buy an FJ... plan a trip) yet I stop those thoughts or don't have the desire to actually DO them now that I COULD. I don't really like our apartment but I don't want to move. I get a flicker of excitement imagining cruising in an FJ but I don't have the desire to go through the process of buying one. I have trip ideas but plan to push out the planning for awhile. I guess I'm just enjoying the stillness.

Here's a good comparison. I feel like I would if I had climbed a mountain in order to cliff jump off the top plateau. Of course I'm excited about the thrill of the jump but after all the effort of hiking up there, you better believe I just want to stand in the quiet and look around. Breathe deeply. Use all the wide open space surrounding me to just think. That's where I'm at.

All the words of gratitude I can come up with couldn't touch how deeply grateful I am for where God has placed me in life right now.

So, for awhile, I'm content to just appreciate all things serene - stand in the stillness - really feel the relief of the sigh.