So, here's to it...

...embracing that canvas instead of furiously filling it with randomness that leaves my head spinning

...purposefully painting each stroke

...and laughing, a lot.

Starting Again

So, I feel like I've made a mess of the canvas I spoke of in my last blog. This one portrays about how I feel.

It seems to tell a story of turmoil, which is where I've been at. Discontent and dark most days, enlightened and fulfilled occasionally on others. I couldn't believe it had almost been a month already since my last blog. I feel as though I've filled my life with activity and people to compensate for the unsurety I've felt. I won't lie... I've had some really sad and foggy days- some poor decisions and some real soul searching. I think I'm on the uphill climb though. Lately I've began being comfortable again in my own skin.

I'm ready to start over. Let the dust settle on this canvas and bask in the unmarred fibers of a fresh one.

That doesn't necessarily mean an entirely new start... just a new outlook, a revived vitality and lots of laughter.

That's my new kick. Laughter. It really is the medicine of life. A lesson reinforced by my beautiful K. The first night I laughed... REALLY laughed... in awhile was recently during a dance party in the car. I think we both felt release and it was perfect (in spite of me knocking her in the head with my awesome sprinkler moves-haha).

I Have No Idea

*Sigh*. How I've missed my blogging time.
Well, this is me at the moment. I literally have no idea and feel like my future is that of the vast, blank room above.
During the last 3 months, I thought all the major foundations for my life had finally all been laid. I believed I was finally re-connected with the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and found both excitement in the plans that were in the near future and contentment in the familial and 'complete' structure it brought with it.
Somehow, it was also one of the most stressful segways of my life... constant change and adaptation physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Regardless, within the matter of about 5 days, it was all completely ripped away.
Funny that I have drafts of blogs about the wonderfulness that was Daniel but none of them were ever finished or posted. Just as the purpose I thought he held in our lives never came to completion.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a job I enjoy and, of course, the most important thing: Kahyim. BUT, everything I believed I was working ahead towards and the soul-connection I believed I had made is completely gone.
It's different than the last time. I don't know why but I have a 'clarity' of sorts this time telling me it really isn't going to work, there's no more waiting and that perhaps what I got wasn't what I believed I was waiting for anyways.
So... I literally "Have No Idea". The blog title rings true. :)
Check out this excerpt:
“In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us calmness, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life’s way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life’s way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity."
I believe this with my head, I really do. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up though. I know that this new blank canvas means I have the opportunity to fill it with whatever things I want... there is no limit to what I can paint upon it. It's just still a little overwhelming at the moment and at times frustrating b/c my heart says, "I want what WAS there."

Optimistically, I know the bareness of the space will be exciting for me. I thrive on change and adventure after all... I have just momentarily lost track of that part of myself-- and honestly seemed to lose a lot of myself within the confines of that relationship for some reason. Probably the timing-- so many changes with moving (twice) and settling and whatnot-- and also the maintenance of the relationship itself. In hindsight, I realize that I spent most of my time trying to make everyone happy and it completely drained me of everything I had to offer. Basically I nurtured myself dry. I not only had K to nurture, I was trying to nurture him and the relationship and his unending insecurities and unhappiness. As much as I care for him, I really really really need to learn that I can't FIX people. I can't force them to be joyful, or grateful, and I can't provide primary happiness FOR them. They have to choose it.
But enough psychobabble. What's done is done. My heart is on the mend and I plan on focusing on staying very self-aware for awhile... really making sure that I choose the right things to paint on my canvas, or put in that vacant room.
I'm just starting to feel the life rise back up in me... the excitement just to live and experience... the drive to explore and encounter all the opportunities this world holds for me and the ones I love.
Here's two quotes I found that have helped:
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
and
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
And finally I found it kind of ironic that once again the scripture that just kind of showed up and really spoke to me is about patience and waiting on the Lord. It is:

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
~Psalm 27:14

Although the context of "wait" has a more questionable feel this time than the last, I know it holds meaning and promise for me.

Until I have some canvas materials...

So Busy

Wow. Where has the time gone??? Oh yeah, it went in a bunch of mini-whirlwinds...the CA trip, Disneyland, 4th of July camping adventures, moving prep and house hunting.

In a nutshell, I am feeling completely without stability (but not minding it) as I attempt to find by first house to buy- well condo probably- and entertain the thoughts of moving into Womens Traditions assistant buyer (a mini-promotion of sorts?) and on and on.

Also on the agenda has been being entertained by several "suitors" to sound old-school, again floating through the dating game- darting really- as I attempt to find what I really want long term in a relationship.

I moved from COMPLETELY OVERLY tied down to multiple activities to all of them either ending or temporarily suspending within a week.

So, I decided to unstabilize myself even more and have a huge yard sale this weekend to purge myself of just about everything I can stand to part with. A freedom of sorts that will 1. make the move easier, 2. allow me a new start in our new home and 3. complement my "no tie-down" lifestyle as it currently lies.

I believe we will be living out by the horses until I find our next place of solidarity and it feels almost like I'm throwing abandon into the wind, living a summer adventure of sorts with the K-ster.

I better watch out... it sounds like I could happily end up a wandering hippie. Haha!

We shall see...

When I take time I shall update you more with pics and tales of the adventures we have had already this summer...

Til' then...

Jubilant Heart

I'm only a week late in blogging about the beautiful horse above named

Jubilant Heart.

It was a stormy, tornado-filled afternoon. Of course, I had forgotten my phone at home. After being released from lock-down due to the severe weather at work, I raced home to save the once fluffy -now soaked- white pyrenees inhabiting my backyard. I also retrieved my phone and raced on to my Mom's to get Kahyim. Only after stepping into the house did I bother to scan through the nearly fifty texts asking if I'd been swept away into the sky by one of the many funnels that filled it that day.

At this point, a very peculiar text caught my eye.

Why peculiar?

First, it was from my Dad... the anti-texter.

Second, it was a picture message of a picture of a beautiful paint horse.

Third, it read:

"kahyim has a horse her mom seems to want a horse more dad loves both his girls so he bought kandice a horse too here is a pic of kandices horses father if you want to see your very own horse come out to the parking lot now"

Of course, I immediately called in confusion and after only being asked where I was, was told to stay put and that he'd be there in a second.

Sure enough, up pulls a horse trailer, a Dad in coveralls and a beautiful paint horse.
I know it sounds romantical, but I swear at that moment (as I'm literally hop-bounding down the driveway) the sun peeked out and the light and warmth surrounded the previously dark and drizzly area. It was the most unreal moment.

So, now I embark on a new adventure.

That of training Jubilant.

She is halter- and saddle-broke but has never been ridden.

I shall be the first.

(..and possibly also have my first broken bone-haha).

Waiting

So, as I sit here in anticipation of hearing whether or not I got the job I applied for, I was thinking back to how EXTREMELY excited I was when I got the news that I got this job--my first post-college, degree-related job. I was walking out of the "get me by" job I had taken on as a waitress/bartender for Shadows Brewery that is in the Depot (reference: above picture-lol).
I recall Linda offering me the job mid-afternoon (I had interviewed that morning). I was ELATED. I remember practically skip/hopping down the sidewalk shown above all the way to my car on cloud nine.
I'm sure this kind of excitement could ensue over a job call-back again if, you know, I received a call from National Geographic wanting me to travel the world as a photographer. Haha.
Seriously, though, I greatly look forward to this new endeavor, should I have the opportunity given to me.

Life, after all, is about the JOURNEY... not the destination. I am so grateful for the blessed journey I'm on... and look forward to enjoying all the aspects of it each day... new and old.

Ok... I Get It

Ever have one of those days where something is pounded into your head? Shows up everywhere? It's actually been one of those weeks for me. And it all centers around the ideas above.

Seriously, everywhere I've turned I've run into this type of advice, those verses and even random encouragement. It's easy to say "Ok, I get it" but it's a little harder to follow through on. I am realizing that as laid back as I think I am, I really am a 'take control' type in certain situations. I want WHAT I want and I want it NOW. But that's not all... I'll do what I think I know will get me it too! Ha!

Patience... Waiting for the fulfillment of my requests... Not doing it all on my own...

These are all things I'm learning to practice. :)
HOWEVER, I do believe that there is a need for proactivity once given a response... whether it was the response we looked for or not (the whole ppl trapped on a roof in a flood and refusing the boat b/c "God will save them" type of deal).
Where does that leave me at the moment? Honestly confused.
So blog-ees, when is it time to react and when is it time to "Be still and wait patiently"?

Whoa, Where Do I Start?

Here is a good place:

I received one of the greatest Mothers' Day presents yet this year... A horse!

Blog meet Charlly, Charlly meet blog.

She is a literal dream come true.

A dream I've had since childhood.

Here is the Blog about her!

Then there's the fact that K and I tried out for the Melodrama on a semi-whim last night and received parts as a "Can-Can Cutie" (her) and a "Can-Can Girl" (me). This, I believe, will be an exciting adventure... a fun way for us to spend active time together doing something out of the ordinary for sure!

Then there's an odd answer to prayer... one I'm still figuring out/waiting out. One that's teaching me HARDCORE to not control situations... I'm learning what it means to "wait on God" in a difficult, challenging way.

I had a great weekend. Had a re-introduction to "Life as Kandice either 1. with those crazy pants or 2. with regained confidence". Or both. Yeah, more like both. :) I had a fun-filled night of (literally ALL night) singing karaoke off of my On Demand cable (did ya'll know that karaoke was an option? I didn't... for that, Tim, I owe you something wonderful) with Team Awesome members Tim and Caleb. LOL!!! It was a riot for sure. Something fun I needed. We seriously belted out tune after tune until 4:30 in the morning. I spent some time with my Ma for Mothers Day on Sat. and then had my special Mothers' Day surprise on Sun. I have been out with said surprise (Charrly) every moment possible and am looking forward to a weekend of bonding with her in a few, hopefully short, days!!!

B/C I'm such a proud Mommy, here's a few more pics:

Crazy Pants

Apparently, I put them on last night. They had a good stay in the closet for awhile but it was nice to slip back into them once again. :)

I had a truly, NOT-alcohol-inspired, great girls night with tons of fun and spontaneity. I even did a somersault on the floor of CB&Potts (don't ask-haha). I love being able to be myself- yes, even myself with my crazy pants on- with my girls. I love that they not only aren't embarassed by my sometimes unexplainable goofiness, but that they high-five me afterwards... and are so proud they write this type of beautiful prose the next day: "It was the end result of her performing dramatic monologues in honor of the dessert menu descriptions. You’d have been proud, she was like *tucks and rolls* and was back at the table with nary a curly tendril out of place."

There's just no substitute for friends that love you whether you're over-analyzing everything in life or sporting pants that make you *tuck and roll* on bar room floors.

Even more exciting is the fact that I'm excited to be slapping them on again tonight. It looks like a trio of us- made up of those recently single and scorned no less- will be creating more female-friendly fun...

I'll keep you posted. ;)

Thirty Pound Day

So, the rest of the world (yes you) doesn't need to know what 'thirty-pound-day' stands for but, it's big... to me.

It's more than a number, it's significant as it stands for proof of major change... for the better... in my personal life. It isn't an ending point AT ALL. It is simply motivating, encouraging and worth remembering.

The significance begins with a conversation had in Mexico with my Dad in Dec. of 2006. And, Dad, IF you ever read this, all I can say is, "I did it!" (and "Nanner nanner") JUST KIDDING! :)

It's Been One Year...

...since I graduated from UW.

In ways, the year has flown by. In others, it feels like a literal lifetime ago. There's been so many positive experiences in the last year (ok, I feel like I'm doing the 'Miss USA giving up her crown' speech). Seriously though, I feel I've grown a lot and am so thankful that I followed through on attaining my degree. It has gotten me, and will continue to get me, opportunities I otherwise never would have had. I feel like I've had a good 'beginning' trial run, fresh out of college and am excited for the new and even better adventures to come.

For the most part, I don't regret returning to Cheyenne for this time in our lives. I don't know what the future will hold but it has been nice to re-kindle friendships and family relationships by being in the same town again.

I've found focus (somehow) in many areas amongst the new busier life I lead, and at the same time lost focus for others. Kahyim and I don't have the seclusion, and therefore over-organized/at home/relax time we did in Laramie, BUT I feel that we are both still thriving in positive experiences. I'm glad to be plugged into the Element, as that was a definite void I had in L-town, and look forward to continuing on with what the future holds there.
I've developed amazing friendships, made peace with ones I'd lost and lost a few more. Such is growth + time I suppose.
I had my first "hopeful" relationship post-college (due to my refusal to commit to a relationship while in college) and earlier on, one for mere comfort. I grew from the first mentioned relationship in many ways (ok, still am learning a little-haha) and developed an even stronger sense of what I want in a mate/ a newfound excitement about finding him as well as learning -once again- how to let go of someone when I don't necessarily want to.
I have derived a confidence I've never had before. First as a result of accomplishment, secondarily as a result of enhancing my health and getting myself physically back to where I want to be (still in process... probably always will be). :)

Of course, K teaches me things daily. Things I could learn from no one else... from the result of parenting and by seeing through the eyes of a child again. She's beautiful in every way.

Sadly, I'm out of time. I'm sure I could find plenty more to reminisce over but these are obviously the first things that come to mind.

Until next time...

Bitterness Becomes Her... Almost

I'm SO thankful for my Tues. night life group. Every week I seem to learn something that really takes me closer to where I needed to be/get a new spin on my 'reality'.

I think a lot of it has to do with the amazingness that is John Eldredge. We have been going through his book/DVD series called Epic and really it just takes Christianity back to the basics... away from all the religion-y stuff and talks about living from your heart and reacting to the desires God places in your heart. The "Epic" of who we are meant to be and our role in the story. Point being- One thing it really made me look at is how MY actions affect others' state of heart. I think my heart is so strong and power forward proud of what resiliency I have, BUT

in actuality, I've come to realize that my heart is tender. I have been blessed with empathy in a way a lot of others aren't and as a result my heart isn't as unbreakable as I thought I wanted it to be. My heart hurts when others hurt. My heart aches when I can't reach others or when they close me out. As a result, I am quick to become embittered and I'm not even really realizing it. B/c I "rage just like a river" (and yes, then often beg for forgiveness) by not being aware of the true state of MY heart, I react to things that hurt me without EVER wanting to look/seem/admit to being hurt and in the process I know that I have to be hurting others whose hearts are also tender but have built up and equally as tough outlook/facade.

Not saying I don't value the strength I believe I have as a person, parent or woman, because I do. I'm just saying I am much more aware of my actions AS A RESULT OF being aware of the state of my heart.

So often the daily verse I get sent to my email seems to speak to me where I'm at in life and this one was no different.

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
~Hebrews 10:24

I want to be the encourager, the one that lifts up, not tears down. Even when I feel someone has torn me in half... which is the hardest part... to love those that hurt you.

The song lyrics, "I yearn for more of a heart like yours..." have spiraled through my head continuously lately.

That really is what I long to be: selfless and encouraging. What I am learning, is that the first step is humility.

And lastly, real quick, one more thing that inspired me recently:

You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
~Psalm 73:24

Go on Daniel...

... "take a bow."

It sucks when someone proves themselves to be something you really believed they weren't.
At least it didn't take too long for me to see the truth.

"How about a round of applause, standing ovation...
You look so dumb right now.
You put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtains finally closing...
Very entertaining, but it's over now."


Lyrics courtesy of Rihanna :)

Soccer Mom, Writer, Church Group Host, Advisor, Adventurer... These are just a few of my titles

Wow. What a whirlwind my life has become. I have one free night a week these days, that's right, to do WHATEVER I want. It is here... that beloved eve, and I have no clue what to do. That's a lie. I have five billion things to do but none of them seem to be what I WANT to do. :)

This weekend K will be with Shad and again, I'll be gone from Fri evening to Sunday on new adventures and I'm SO excited, yet, there's this TINY part of me that would like to sit on my couch, cuddle with a someone special and watch TV... for literally 48 hours. Haha. As soon as I did, of course, I'd be going crazy wanting to embark on fun times like I really will be doing.

Sat. night I am being set up on a blind date out of town. Kind of. I know we're being set up... he doesn't. Makes it so much more 'comfortable' that way. At least that's what they tell me. LOL! It should be fun and he's not 1. from cheyenne 2. from cheyenne or 3. doesn't live in cheyenne. Haha.

I titled this blog the way I did b/c I think it's funny how we find solace and contentment in our "titles". What I really wonder is what titles each person I love and care about truly wants versus what the world gives them. Our public titles seem so meaningless to me. Our inner titles- the ones we'd create for ourselves, that truly define what we are, what we cherish, how we see the world and who we want to become- are worth more than can be defined in this blog. I'm so thankful to be blessed with so many amazing people in my life... and to know their "inner titles". It is only when we strip away those layers, that I think we truly understand someone and can therefore be grateful for them and unconditionally love them regardless of what happens...

I'm sure I won't have time to blog til' next week, so I'm on to making more memories, strengthening important relationships and loving the essence of this crazy life I'm living! Til next time...

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling

of

letting go and holding on."

~Havelock Ellis

Life is at my Feet

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you're standing on top of the world... casting your shadow upon it? Like there's SO much out there calling you that you don't even know where to start?

It's one of those days for me. I seem to be inspired by each little thing that happens. "Oh! I want to get published in this online journal," or "Wow! I can't wait to experience that!"

Overall, I have been feeling pretty down lately and I don't know where the change came from today, but I am appreciating the uplift of it all...

Today, it excites me to look ahead. To form new ideas/plans of how I will share new experiences with K. I think a lot of the "down" revolved around feeling like I lost someone that I wanted to share so much with.

However, my focus seems to again be becoming vivacious and uncontainable. :)

There's so much to be said for gratitude... I'm SO grateful for the beautiful baby K and I don't want even a moment to be wasted with her by me living in the land of "if only". SO much easier said than done, but I am focused on making each day a new adventure for us, and although the desire to also share life - and all the excitement it entails- with a mate isn't subsided, I just won't allow that desire - or the lack of that person- to be a focus.

I can and will be excited about eventually adding a lucky, lucky person (haha) to the lively life K and I create, no doubt.

But for now, we are enough and the world offers TOO much to sit still or sleep early.

So...

Off I go to embrace all kinds of new endeavors for us.

Stop Loss Love

Need I say more?

Yes I do.

Poor Michelle had to suffer through this one with me. Thank goodness there were only about five other people in the theater.
I was the bawler.

This movie had it all... friend-of-all-friendships theme, love theme, war/military theme, family themes, etc. etc.

Truly and seriously though, it wasn't like I could even watch it and be like, "Wow. Hottie Channing in uniform." ... it was too real and in my face in many many ways. I felt like I totally related to Abbie Cornish in alot of ways and a couple of the guys in the movie really reminded me of friendships/relationships from my past.

It was a killer... in some sort of good way.

Definitely made me even more anti-war in my individual overly-pro-troops kind of way. Then again, maybe it all is necessary. It just sucks to see the great guys (and girls) of our generations getting so messed up by the things they have to do/see for our benefit. Especially if they have already served and are stop lossed. Like Double T... found out he was stop lossed and going back for a year just recently.

Anyways, thank you to all of you who are serving our country... your valued more than words could express.

Today's Theme Is:

Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go... Let go...

The Way I See It, There Are 17 Days Until I Can Be at the Lake

Hello Glendo...

...and all the water, fun, serenity and (in)sanity that comes with you!

Yes, I cannot wait. This winter has been forever long and with the arrival of the bigger/better houseboat, I can focus on little else than camping, WATER, tubing, boating, SUN, and so on.

Not to mention the complete sense of wholeness I find in myself mentally, physically and spiritually when I'm there.

It doesn't help that that Friday night conversation recalled the late night swims under full moons- and sleeping on car hoods- of last summer! Ha ha.

OR that summer camping gear is flowing through our dept. and I am surrounded by the tempting call of tents/sleeping bags/beach chairs/etc.

OR that yesterday the only goal we had in life was to name the new boat. (Which we did not come to an agreement on.) lol

It's time.

Hello Friday (and it's raining men!)

So, scrap the lavalife part of the pic, and throw in Match.com and you have my life. LOL!

Although the majority of the documentation of the entertainment brought to my life via online dating will be posted on my private blog, I have to admit, this weekend is looking fun. Who knew that such eligible, hot, normal men could find a girl on such a site!?!?!

Seriously, I would recommend "Rebounding with Match" to just about anyone at this point.

How did I get thrown into this rainstorm? Intially, I must thank Amber, who met her successful/stable/good-hearted and hot husband on there. I don't think I would have ever tried it otherwise.

Aside from the rainstorm, I am also looking forward to a training session at the gym, going to a Cirque de Soleil type performance, a pedicure and Easter. I must admit I am quite high on life at the moment (and Accelerator3-lol).

Sadly, busy-ness/rainstorm distractions have been my vice for healing the heart over D-boy but it's working relatively well... so why question it?

And YAY for dumbing things down. Jessica Simpson might have the right idea after all... at least for a bit. I missed having fun/being lighthearted/just ENJOYING the person I was with... I don't want to be fixing things - or them- all of the time ever again. I definitely fall into that role too easily... thanks to my mothering instinct and how overly caring/concerned I can be for people no doubt.

So, onto endless "Match"-es - all which have a min. age and education limit I might add...

For the fun, "keep up with the rainstorm" blog address (which includes hilarious re-counts of the online dating life of yours truly) ask me for the other blog address. It's quite amusing!

Signing off and putting up my umbrella...

Miss Me? I've missed myself.

I don't think I could find a picture to represent this blog. For one, I don't even know what it's going to be about. For two, I have so much going on in this head of mine it would look like a sick kaleidoscope of images. haha.
My 28th went wonderfully. I truly felt SO grateful for the friends and family who went out of their way to make my day so special. PLUS, Kahyim and I got to see Step Up 2 finally... it doesn't get better than that. HA! (Well, except for Step Up 1 - lots more Channing.)
Anyways, I got a beautifully "under the ocean" decorated cubicle and all kinds of surprises of joy all day. AND I feel good about being 28... and continuing to move up the ranks. The ups and downs and "figuring themselves out" I've been through lately with more than one younger person has made me SO glad to be at a place of more clarity about my life, my allegiances (what's important to ME and how I decide what's best for my life and what I want) and that family is an amazing thing but actually stronger once the controlling-type ties are cut. Now, I'm sure I will HATE the day K cuts these ties too... but hopefully I'll remember that in the end, it will strengthen our relationship as she defines herself and chooses what is right for her.
Moving on...
I am TOTALLY EXCITED about tomorrow night. Melis will be here, and all my other girls will be joining me in F.C. for the RIO and MARGS and DANCING! AND, I bought the dress posted in a prior blog out of break-up heartache. haha. Yep, the Lucky 13 one. Even ordered a pink petticoat for under it. It's going to be a GOOD night. LOL!
On a more serious note...
I have never fasted before in my life. Never studied HOW to do it either. But I did it. Two days of this week. And prayed over the Daniel, the me, and the "us" the whole time. I thought I had closure to the rel. at the end of last night but now am not sure. IF there was to be a reconciliation, it would def. take Gods hand. I realized there is only so much I can do. The rest is up to him and God. I don't know his heart, so I can only project guesses at what it will take to bring down his walls, but it's not my job to do it, nor can I... no matter how much the "fixer" or the "mother" or the "I want him to KNOW he can trust me!" in me wants to. :)
On the "mommy note"...
(Ok worst tie in ever, I know) K has an assembly at school tonight where she is dressing up as Jasmine. Shad promised me he'd wear an Alladin costume IF I found him one. I am SO tempted. But, in reality, it would be purely for my entertainment and probably would embarass K. Maybe not... I'll let you know how that goes. And if it does go down, you bet I'll be posting pics EVERYWHERE! LOL

Time for Casual Semi-Consciousness

SO... this may not be my porch, YET (that's right, someday I will be barefoot and in that hanging chair) but it definitely represents my mood and state of mind.

Whew. I feel like I'm floating. Not out of happiness so much. Just complete post-sigh mind-vacancy.

The only thing I really know is that I definitely have a desire to be outside... not in this mauve cubicle.

I think I hit overload late last night and my brain gave up. It's awesome. I am completely fulfilled at the moment making zero attempts to understand/predict/ensue or encourage anything in my near future.

People are making plans all around me today (kind of ironic)... and I am excited to be involved in many of them... yet I feel like I might just drift through it all.

And happily, I might add.

Apparently I've lost contentment to some extent recently. I'm glad it's back.

I'm also glad I have a hammock to go home to. One that I can listlessly enjoy my incurious and casual mindset in.

"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But is the other way about- He is looking for us."
~Simon Tugwell

So today was my first day volunteering at Element again. I was (as usual) completely bombarded with truths I needed and completely fulfilled when I left. Although parts of my path aren't heading the direction I thought they would/wanted them to, I am at complete peace.

I came across this quote today:

"Romance is the deepest thing in life, romance is deeper even than reality." - G. K. Chesterton

... No deep insights or reflections. I just like it.

I feel "found" today- directly sought out by my maker. Not by my own doing in any way... the underlying emotions are more like "dropped" or "used". LOL
Thus, the opening quote.

As usual I also find all things brighten when laced with gratefulness. And I am SO thankful for so many things...

Just Call Me Jayne...

Why does this image represent this post? I don't know really. Perhaps it's because I'm feeling unusually fun, and frisky?

I have been in a very introspective mood for awhile now. Today, (maybe it's just what a LOT of GOOD sleep can do for you?) I opened my eyes and felt release and naughtiness (the good kind) calling my name! LOL
So far I've managed to take my dog to get her "hairs did" and taken the Cha out to lunch. I don't know what the rest of the day entails but I have a feeling it's going to be what I need! :)
A lil craziness in a kick back way. A lil friskiness.

Incubation

Yet another excerpt from my daily Om:

"As any gardener knows, bulbs cannot bloom until they have endured a period of cold. Held in the dark earth during the frigid winter months, they undergo internal adjustments and changes invisible to our eyes. Like babies gestating in the lightless, watery wombs of their mothers, they are fully engaged in the process of preparing to be born. So many of the greatest mysteries of life begin this way, with a powerful urge for growth enclosed in a small, dark space.
We humans have a tendency to yearn for the light, for the coming of spring, and for the more visible phase of growth that all things express in coming to be. In our love for what we can see with our eyes we sometimes lose patience for, and interest in, the world of darkness that nurtures and protects the seeds, bulbs, and babies of the world for such an important part of their life cycles. It is a perilous and mysterious phase of growth, and one that we have little control over, and perhaps that is why we don’t celebrate it with quite the same passion as we do the lighter and brighter phases of life. Nevertheless, we ourselves endure similar periods of developing in the darkness throughout our lives."

And yet again I feel it helps me gain a greater understanding of myself. I am finding in many areas of my life this "slow growth" or incubation period. I'm settled in so many aspects (career, home, various relationships, etc) and it's not a place I've been before in a LONG time... if ever at all. Though restlessness kicks in, I found the above excerpt as an awesome insight. A "powerful urge for growth" in a stable place. There will no doubt again be changes and the excitement that follows... or the "visible phases of growth"... but until then I am finding a certain solace in solidarity. Learning how to acknowledge it as solidarity, anyways, and therefore learning to appreciate it.

I also really like the reference to "losing patience for or interest in" this quieter time of growth maybe due to the fact that we don't have control over it. (Control is a recurring theme for me lately apparently- lol). As always, with a slight change in perspective, I find that I can look at this type of growth in anticipation BECAUSE I don't, and can't, control it. It's not up to me to figure everything out for once! What freedom!

It seriously is a "let go" moment when I view at my life this way... an incubation period that I don't have control over, YET I know I am making major changes and being prepared for what does lie ahead in the "visible phase" of growth. It's almost a "cozy" perception.

Me, my life, in a seemingly "quiet", actually less volatile, state... growing yet not forced. Just being.

Painful Cleansing

So, this weekend brought a lot of change... and heartache. BUT I believe it is all for the best. I spent a lot of time apologizing to myself and God.
I feel like I was entrusted with a blessing and pretty much screwed everything up by losing sight of my convictions AND by becoming a control freak. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog this week that I heard that thing on the radio that talked about how God gives us something and then we're like, "Sweet. Thanks! Now let me make sure this goes down how I want it to." Yeah, that would be me. To a tee.
I'm praying for restoration of the relationship, regardless of the damages I've caused, but if not, I've learned a lot and am re-focused on the path that I need/want to be on.
I still don't like the "if not" thought tho... I'll just say that.

What I have in the makings to continue down said path:
~I have initiated hosting the "twenty something" group for Element. I have requested a DVD curriculum, as who am I to be able to teach? lol
~Devotions with Kahyim will start back up tomorrow morning
~Gym time for mama (that's me) after work every day. I need this. My goal is set to train for the Bolder Boulder.
~After righting my commitments today, I will again be starting to serve the Element in the tech side of things
~I'm re-committing to getting on my knees every night to pray. Oct - Dec I made this commitment and only missed like two nights. This time I've expanded my base to: Kahyim; Current Relationship Status/Said Boy; Future Relationship Decisions.

I think this is a good start. If I overload, I'll fail.


Church yesterday was amazing. Totally about things I needed to hear, while completely cleansing as well.
















Why do I continually allow myself to draw away from the one thing that provides stability, blessings and wholeness to my soul?

What hurts the most is knowing my decisions envoke hurt not on myself, but on K and said other party as well. Being reminded of these negative emotions brought on by living on my own understanding has definitely re-directed me. I've been "drilled" with verses from numerous sources this week and ironically, a few were repeats. One popped up in so many places, I printed it out and it's hanging here on the wall. It is 1 Cor. 13:7:

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."

The other is 2 John 1:6:

"Love is doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the begininng."

Although I'm still hurting, I'm excited. Excited to see what's in store for us K-girls... Excited to make better decisions and enjoy the benefits of them.

Oh yes, the funny things...

... that my Baby K says.
So yesterday we were in the car and K was letting me know how she feels about different people... friends, family members, etc.
When it came to one male in particular she stated, "I like him alot. He is funny, smart and intelligent. I have heck no idea what intelligent means, but he is it."

Complete Confusion

I am grateful to an amazing woman for sharing this with me.

It's an anniversary present her daughter had made for her husband:

It pretty much sums up what I want to find.

A best friend. A compassionate soul. Never giving up on each other. A generous heart. A sense of humor about things. Someone who is courageous and will stand up for what they believe in even in the face of any type of adversity. A belief in God. Honest, loyal and true. Open enough to be able to tell and show each other every day how much you love the other. Someone to protect and defend me. The ability to be able to talk about anything and nothing.

Those are the highlights from the piece that closely align with what I will wait for.

What today brings, however, is so much different. I am so confused. All of these things are things I thought I had found. Someone that matches me perfect in so many ways. And, in the ways that didn't I found laughter and an appreciation for difference. Something seemingly "God sent"... placed together at just the right times. An answer to prayers - on both ends. Now, I'm facing a wall.

"If someone builds a wall they will stand behind it all alone."

But it's never that easy. Today my "scripture of the day" I get via email was this:

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."

And yesterday I heard a quick "sermon" on KLove that spoke of how God gives us blessings but then we are like, "Thanks God! Now this is what I'm going to do with it". I felt like I was supposed to be getting something from it but little conclusions I formed in my head seemed insignificant. Then this morning on the way to work it slammed into my head and I knew. It was intended for me for this situation. When given this blessing, I should have never "taken over the plans". I ran with what I knew was a gift from God and implicated all of my own understandings into what I figured it should be. Clearly that didn't work. I am grateful to have the insight from that message, as to realize my shortcomings.

So, I've prayed... and prayed. And whatever the purpose of this wall I ran into headfirst last night is, I will accept. I waver back and forth between laying myself on the line completely and "loving" this situation through to the end to revitalizing the "fighter" in me... the one who is too strong to be walked all over and treated badly... the one that has waited and waited for what can be found in the listings above. I don't know where to find the middle ground and this is something that is new to me.

Seriously, how does one "love" their way "faithfully and hopefully" through a relationship without allowing themselves to be treated wrongly? Is there such a love relationship of respect and compassion that neither side needs to be the "strong pillar" that takes the blows or the "wall-climber" that takes the scrapes and relentless fatigue that it takes to scale the walls necessary to reach their partners? If not, when is it right for the pillar to walk away or the wall climber to move on, heal their wounds and rest in solitude?

Whoa. That got deep there at the end and doesn't even necessarily pertain to the situation at hand... yet.

Anyways, I'm lost amidst a swirl of emotions. I don't want to let this go but I don't want to be the girls I've coached over and over that don't have mutual respect as a foundation of their relationship.

That "fighter" in me is proudly posting up and saying, "Be strong. Demand respect. Find someone who can be your equal by matching you in the positive qualities you have... the ones mentioned above."

The "compassionate soul" in me meekly says, "He is that. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

I believe that you have to BE what you WANT in a mate before you will be allowed to FIND it in someone. Of the two above, I clearly want the compassionate soul... which I recently heard termed a "sweet spirit".

I believe, for now, I just found my answer.

Liquid Purification

Water rushes over her back, relieving all tension.
With the fluid flows her mind, taking the inquisitions and sense of urgency to a more extensive band of waters.
Surety and strength increase with each pelt, seeming to force her weaknesses down to her toes and filtering out into the quickly vanishing puddle below.
She turns and panic arises as breath is taken from her and belittled by the forced current of continual replenishing.
With one swift, unfaltering move, she ends it all.
The air surrounding her bitterly bites at her bare skin and she once again yearns for the covering.

(I'm posting this because it's one of my favorite things I've ever written and I just found it on an old blog.)

A new day...

Image found at: http://www.newearthonline.co.uk/index.php?page=photo_gallery&photoID=2
Today brought a sense of refreshment. I am over my mini-freak out session from yesterday and find that I am again focused on gratefulness and letting go of worrying about what might be. I feel I have been greatly endowed with so many gifts in the recent months that I have no room for questioning my path.
My perfect-in-every-way K reminded me this morning of the prominence of simple joys and laughter. As I dropped her off at school, instead of the kiss-blowing goodbye, I got the "I'll be watching you" hand motion as she signaled her little v-shaped fingers from her eyes towards me. What was she thinking? or meaning? I have no idea. But I laughed... a lot. And as a result determined the importance of "now".
My night was filled with the same type of revelations as I tried rigorously to guard my heart and stay tied to the emotions/worries I faced yesterday... yet I completely gave way within only a few moments of sharing the room with that person. I came to the revelation that backing away due to fears of the future just wasn't an option. Then, almost as a reward for choosing to take the chance, my fears were quieted by his open mind and attentive ear.
So, I am again requited by God, the universe and blessings in human form.

Faith

And mine is being tested. Today. A lot.
I feel like things collide in life for a reason. But then there's this static. Static I can't ignore or push away and it's just coming to a head today. The "what" will remain vague, however, it's the furthest thing from "vague" in my mind today.
Two people I completely respect spoke with me less than a month ago about "triggers". Those little things that happen in all relationships that "trigger" a feeling or issue from somewhere and something totally different and from a different time yet seem so imminent that one tends to lash out irrationally. Then my daily "Om" reading speaks of it today. Perfect timing b/c
"Helloooooooooooo triggers".
Why I feel so stressed about it and rushed to make a decision, I don't know. Perhaps I've become the queen of negative-emotion avoidance. It's quite possible really. I'm so anti negativity and pro happiness that perhaps I take off full speed ahead and the sight of, or remembrance of, less than optimal circumstances.
Breathe. That's what I need to do.

Proverbs 3:6 "Seek his will in all you do and he will direct your paths."

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed."

So that's it. It's that simple. I'm rendering it from my overly stimulated mind to his all-knowing and grace-filled plans.

A Great Article~ (makes me wish I could be on a mountain today)

So, I didn't write this. It came in an email, but I really liked it and thought it was worth posting:

Keeping Things In Perspective - Mountains

Mountains have always captured our imaginations, calling us to scale their heights, to circle and worship at their feet, and to pay homage to their greatness. Mountains can be seen from thousands of miles away, and if we are lucky enough to be on top of one, we can see great stretches of the surrounding earth. As a result, mountains symbolize vision, the ability to rise above the adjacent lowlands and see beyond our immediate vicinity. From the top of the mountain, we are able to witness life from a new perspective—cities and towns that seem so large when we are in them look tiny. We can take the whole thing in with a single glance, regaining our composure and our sense of proportion as we realize how much bigger this world is than we sometimes remember it to be.
Mountains are almost always considered holy and spiritual places, and the energy at the top of a mountain is undeniably unique. When we are on top of a mountain, it is as if we have ascended to an alternate realm, one in which the air is purer and the energy lighter. Many a human being has climbed to the top of a mountain in order to connect with a higher source of understanding, and many have come back down feeling stronger and wiser. Whenever we are feeling trapped or limited in our vision, a trip to our nearest mountain may be just the cure we need.
There’s a reason that mountain views are so highly prized in this world, and it is because, even from a distance, mountains remind us of how small we are, which often comes as a wonderful relief. In addition, they illustrate our ability to connect with higher energy. As they rise up from the earth, sometimes disappearing in the clouds that gather around them, they are a visual symbol of earth reaching up into the heavens. Whether we have a mountain view out of our window or just a photograph of a mountain where we see it every day, we can rely on these earthly giants to provide inspiration, vision, and a daily reminder of our humble place in the grand scheme of life.

Packing Procrastination

So, I sit here staring at a load of boxes, loads of laundry and Christmas remnants. I am so excited for our new home but I'm not sure where to even start. :)
The theme of the week is "streamlining". I even have one of the Ma's coming over to help me lose the stuff I don't need. I think there is something to be said for a minimalist lifestyle. All the "stuff" just bogs me down.
I've also decided that the majority of my decorating is going to be comprised of things reminiscent of/attained during my travels... of course, I'll need to leave plenty of room for the FUTURE ones. :) But seriously, I think it will be great for the things that surround me to have meaning behind them.
I think my love of art and plants has definitely led me to an overabundance of visually stimulating pieces. haha.
I will say, however, that the new home has a beautiful (original) working fireplace that I can't wait to use/ spice up with some amazing artwork (that I have yet to find-lol). Christian thinks a flatscreen would be the perfect artwork... I have other plans.
On a completely different note, but still in procrastination mode, I will say these last few weeks have really made me focus on the value of true friendships. Spending a week with Mari on the beautiful island of Rarotonga, made me sit back, breathe and reminisce. We recalled so many good and bad times... quirky times... ridiculous times that essentially formed important parts of who we are. As I prepared my "Maid of Honor speech" I realized I'd have to talk for the whole evening just to hit the tip of the iceberg on what we had experienced, how we have become all that we are and why Eric was a lucky lucky man. haha. It was also really awesome to be able to see him in a new light... surrounded by HIS core group of lifelong friends.
There's a quote that says, "Everyone is your life has been placed there with a purpose. What you choose to gain from them is up to you."...or something along those lines. Point being: Our true friends, the ones that have been there forever and will be there from now on out, definitely have a major role in the definition of "you"...
Then there's Anne. The second phase of our friendship started out with two completely different people and yet I think we've both learned SO much from each other... and retained positive qualities from each other that we maybe hadn't mastered beforehand. She is also my source of laughter in so many things. I completely value having a friend with a since of humor as goofy and quirky as mine. One outing and we have years worth of laugh-worthy moments. I don't even know how we manage to do it... maybe it's a language we developed in the first phase of our friendship (when we were 2-6 yrs. old). We definitely had just as easy of a time finding trouble back then as we do now. LOL
I could go on but the boxes are infusing guilt, the washer is done and Kahyim is entirely too quiet...
I'll post pics of the new house when I manage to get there! :)