Time for Casual Semi-Consciousness

SO... this may not be my porch, YET (that's right, someday I will be barefoot and in that hanging chair) but it definitely represents my mood and state of mind.

Whew. I feel like I'm floating. Not out of happiness so much. Just complete post-sigh mind-vacancy.

The only thing I really know is that I definitely have a desire to be outside... not in this mauve cubicle.

I think I hit overload late last night and my brain gave up. It's awesome. I am completely fulfilled at the moment making zero attempts to understand/predict/ensue or encourage anything in my near future.

People are making plans all around me today (kind of ironic)... and I am excited to be involved in many of them... yet I feel like I might just drift through it all.

And happily, I might add.

Apparently I've lost contentment to some extent recently. I'm glad it's back.

I'm also glad I have a hammock to go home to. One that I can listlessly enjoy my incurious and casual mindset in.

"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But is the other way about- He is looking for us."
~Simon Tugwell

So today was my first day volunteering at Element again. I was (as usual) completely bombarded with truths I needed and completely fulfilled when I left. Although parts of my path aren't heading the direction I thought they would/wanted them to, I am at complete peace.

I came across this quote today:

"Romance is the deepest thing in life, romance is deeper even than reality." - G. K. Chesterton

... No deep insights or reflections. I just like it.

I feel "found" today- directly sought out by my maker. Not by my own doing in any way... the underlying emotions are more like "dropped" or "used". LOL
Thus, the opening quote.

As usual I also find all things brighten when laced with gratefulness. And I am SO thankful for so many things...

Just Call Me Jayne...

Why does this image represent this post? I don't know really. Perhaps it's because I'm feeling unusually fun, and frisky?

I have been in a very introspective mood for awhile now. Today, (maybe it's just what a LOT of GOOD sleep can do for you?) I opened my eyes and felt release and naughtiness (the good kind) calling my name! LOL
So far I've managed to take my dog to get her "hairs did" and taken the Cha out to lunch. I don't know what the rest of the day entails but I have a feeling it's going to be what I need! :)
A lil craziness in a kick back way. A lil friskiness.

Incubation

Yet another excerpt from my daily Om:

"As any gardener knows, bulbs cannot bloom until they have endured a period of cold. Held in the dark earth during the frigid winter months, they undergo internal adjustments and changes invisible to our eyes. Like babies gestating in the lightless, watery wombs of their mothers, they are fully engaged in the process of preparing to be born. So many of the greatest mysteries of life begin this way, with a powerful urge for growth enclosed in a small, dark space.
We humans have a tendency to yearn for the light, for the coming of spring, and for the more visible phase of growth that all things express in coming to be. In our love for what we can see with our eyes we sometimes lose patience for, and interest in, the world of darkness that nurtures and protects the seeds, bulbs, and babies of the world for such an important part of their life cycles. It is a perilous and mysterious phase of growth, and one that we have little control over, and perhaps that is why we don’t celebrate it with quite the same passion as we do the lighter and brighter phases of life. Nevertheless, we ourselves endure similar periods of developing in the darkness throughout our lives."

And yet again I feel it helps me gain a greater understanding of myself. I am finding in many areas of my life this "slow growth" or incubation period. I'm settled in so many aspects (career, home, various relationships, etc) and it's not a place I've been before in a LONG time... if ever at all. Though restlessness kicks in, I found the above excerpt as an awesome insight. A "powerful urge for growth" in a stable place. There will no doubt again be changes and the excitement that follows... or the "visible phases of growth"... but until then I am finding a certain solace in solidarity. Learning how to acknowledge it as solidarity, anyways, and therefore learning to appreciate it.

I also really like the reference to "losing patience for or interest in" this quieter time of growth maybe due to the fact that we don't have control over it. (Control is a recurring theme for me lately apparently- lol). As always, with a slight change in perspective, I find that I can look at this type of growth in anticipation BECAUSE I don't, and can't, control it. It's not up to me to figure everything out for once! What freedom!

It seriously is a "let go" moment when I view at my life this way... an incubation period that I don't have control over, YET I know I am making major changes and being prepared for what does lie ahead in the "visible phase" of growth. It's almost a "cozy" perception.

Me, my life, in a seemingly "quiet", actually less volatile, state... growing yet not forced. Just being.

Painful Cleansing

So, this weekend brought a lot of change... and heartache. BUT I believe it is all for the best. I spent a lot of time apologizing to myself and God.
I feel like I was entrusted with a blessing and pretty much screwed everything up by losing sight of my convictions AND by becoming a control freak. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog this week that I heard that thing on the radio that talked about how God gives us something and then we're like, "Sweet. Thanks! Now let me make sure this goes down how I want it to." Yeah, that would be me. To a tee.
I'm praying for restoration of the relationship, regardless of the damages I've caused, but if not, I've learned a lot and am re-focused on the path that I need/want to be on.
I still don't like the "if not" thought tho... I'll just say that.

What I have in the makings to continue down said path:
~I have initiated hosting the "twenty something" group for Element. I have requested a DVD curriculum, as who am I to be able to teach? lol
~Devotions with Kahyim will start back up tomorrow morning
~Gym time for mama (that's me) after work every day. I need this. My goal is set to train for the Bolder Boulder.
~After righting my commitments today, I will again be starting to serve the Element in the tech side of things
~I'm re-committing to getting on my knees every night to pray. Oct - Dec I made this commitment and only missed like two nights. This time I've expanded my base to: Kahyim; Current Relationship Status/Said Boy; Future Relationship Decisions.

I think this is a good start. If I overload, I'll fail.


Church yesterday was amazing. Totally about things I needed to hear, while completely cleansing as well.
















Why do I continually allow myself to draw away from the one thing that provides stability, blessings and wholeness to my soul?

What hurts the most is knowing my decisions envoke hurt not on myself, but on K and said other party as well. Being reminded of these negative emotions brought on by living on my own understanding has definitely re-directed me. I've been "drilled" with verses from numerous sources this week and ironically, a few were repeats. One popped up in so many places, I printed it out and it's hanging here on the wall. It is 1 Cor. 13:7:

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."

The other is 2 John 1:6:

"Love is doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the begininng."

Although I'm still hurting, I'm excited. Excited to see what's in store for us K-girls... Excited to make better decisions and enjoy the benefits of them.

Oh yes, the funny things...

... that my Baby K says.
So yesterday we were in the car and K was letting me know how she feels about different people... friends, family members, etc.
When it came to one male in particular she stated, "I like him alot. He is funny, smart and intelligent. I have heck no idea what intelligent means, but he is it."

Complete Confusion

I am grateful to an amazing woman for sharing this with me.

It's an anniversary present her daughter had made for her husband:

It pretty much sums up what I want to find.

A best friend. A compassionate soul. Never giving up on each other. A generous heart. A sense of humor about things. Someone who is courageous and will stand up for what they believe in even in the face of any type of adversity. A belief in God. Honest, loyal and true. Open enough to be able to tell and show each other every day how much you love the other. Someone to protect and defend me. The ability to be able to talk about anything and nothing.

Those are the highlights from the piece that closely align with what I will wait for.

What today brings, however, is so much different. I am so confused. All of these things are things I thought I had found. Someone that matches me perfect in so many ways. And, in the ways that didn't I found laughter and an appreciation for difference. Something seemingly "God sent"... placed together at just the right times. An answer to prayers - on both ends. Now, I'm facing a wall.

"If someone builds a wall they will stand behind it all alone."

But it's never that easy. Today my "scripture of the day" I get via email was this:

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."

And yesterday I heard a quick "sermon" on KLove that spoke of how God gives us blessings but then we are like, "Thanks God! Now this is what I'm going to do with it". I felt like I was supposed to be getting something from it but little conclusions I formed in my head seemed insignificant. Then this morning on the way to work it slammed into my head and I knew. It was intended for me for this situation. When given this blessing, I should have never "taken over the plans". I ran with what I knew was a gift from God and implicated all of my own understandings into what I figured it should be. Clearly that didn't work. I am grateful to have the insight from that message, as to realize my shortcomings.

So, I've prayed... and prayed. And whatever the purpose of this wall I ran into headfirst last night is, I will accept. I waver back and forth between laying myself on the line completely and "loving" this situation through to the end to revitalizing the "fighter" in me... the one who is too strong to be walked all over and treated badly... the one that has waited and waited for what can be found in the listings above. I don't know where to find the middle ground and this is something that is new to me.

Seriously, how does one "love" their way "faithfully and hopefully" through a relationship without allowing themselves to be treated wrongly? Is there such a love relationship of respect and compassion that neither side needs to be the "strong pillar" that takes the blows or the "wall-climber" that takes the scrapes and relentless fatigue that it takes to scale the walls necessary to reach their partners? If not, when is it right for the pillar to walk away or the wall climber to move on, heal their wounds and rest in solitude?

Whoa. That got deep there at the end and doesn't even necessarily pertain to the situation at hand... yet.

Anyways, I'm lost amidst a swirl of emotions. I don't want to let this go but I don't want to be the girls I've coached over and over that don't have mutual respect as a foundation of their relationship.

That "fighter" in me is proudly posting up and saying, "Be strong. Demand respect. Find someone who can be your equal by matching you in the positive qualities you have... the ones mentioned above."

The "compassionate soul" in me meekly says, "He is that. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

I believe that you have to BE what you WANT in a mate before you will be allowed to FIND it in someone. Of the two above, I clearly want the compassionate soul... which I recently heard termed a "sweet spirit".

I believe, for now, I just found my answer.

Liquid Purification

Water rushes over her back, relieving all tension.
With the fluid flows her mind, taking the inquisitions and sense of urgency to a more extensive band of waters.
Surety and strength increase with each pelt, seeming to force her weaknesses down to her toes and filtering out into the quickly vanishing puddle below.
She turns and panic arises as breath is taken from her and belittled by the forced current of continual replenishing.
With one swift, unfaltering move, she ends it all.
The air surrounding her bitterly bites at her bare skin and she once again yearns for the covering.

(I'm posting this because it's one of my favorite things I've ever written and I just found it on an old blog.)

A new day...

Image found at: http://www.newearthonline.co.uk/index.php?page=photo_gallery&photoID=2
Today brought a sense of refreshment. I am over my mini-freak out session from yesterday and find that I am again focused on gratefulness and letting go of worrying about what might be. I feel I have been greatly endowed with so many gifts in the recent months that I have no room for questioning my path.
My perfect-in-every-way K reminded me this morning of the prominence of simple joys and laughter. As I dropped her off at school, instead of the kiss-blowing goodbye, I got the "I'll be watching you" hand motion as she signaled her little v-shaped fingers from her eyes towards me. What was she thinking? or meaning? I have no idea. But I laughed... a lot. And as a result determined the importance of "now".
My night was filled with the same type of revelations as I tried rigorously to guard my heart and stay tied to the emotions/worries I faced yesterday... yet I completely gave way within only a few moments of sharing the room with that person. I came to the revelation that backing away due to fears of the future just wasn't an option. Then, almost as a reward for choosing to take the chance, my fears were quieted by his open mind and attentive ear.
So, I am again requited by God, the universe and blessings in human form.

Faith

And mine is being tested. Today. A lot.
I feel like things collide in life for a reason. But then there's this static. Static I can't ignore or push away and it's just coming to a head today. The "what" will remain vague, however, it's the furthest thing from "vague" in my mind today.
Two people I completely respect spoke with me less than a month ago about "triggers". Those little things that happen in all relationships that "trigger" a feeling or issue from somewhere and something totally different and from a different time yet seem so imminent that one tends to lash out irrationally. Then my daily "Om" reading speaks of it today. Perfect timing b/c
"Helloooooooooooo triggers".
Why I feel so stressed about it and rushed to make a decision, I don't know. Perhaps I've become the queen of negative-emotion avoidance. It's quite possible really. I'm so anti negativity and pro happiness that perhaps I take off full speed ahead and the sight of, or remembrance of, less than optimal circumstances.
Breathe. That's what I need to do.

Proverbs 3:6 "Seek his will in all you do and he will direct your paths."

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed."

So that's it. It's that simple. I'm rendering it from my overly stimulated mind to his all-knowing and grace-filled plans.