Be

So I have a drive to "be" lately. Be what? A lot of things really...

Inspired- once again- by Compassion Int'l, I want to follow Gandhi's advice to the literal ends of the earth and work in underdeveloped countries providing education and support.  Realizing this isn't exactly realistic at this point in my life first brings me down, then inspires me to "be" in other ways until it is a realistic goal.

I want to BE me again. In all the best ways. I want to be healthy and fit (foremost physically and spiritually).

I want to BE around youth of some sort. I've found in my current career position that contrary to common belief, youth are not only vibrant but they are open minded, eager to grow and expand their knowledge, looking for a realistic and hope-giving model. If we only kept these qualities well into adulthood, I can't imagine where we would be as a society.

I want to BE the most involved mom I can be.

I want to BE financially free. I know, this is a first in the K-book-of-life but for the first time ever it actually seems attainable and it excites me.

I want to BE with child. Eventually. Yep, there I said it. I want one more kiddo not too far down the road. I'm not sure if this means naturally or adoption but the desire is once again there.

And, of course, I want to BE traveling.

I could go on but these are the things that are forefront in my mind...
Here's to the BE!

Dear life,

You threw me a ginormous curveball. One that left me with a bruised & knotted head and a jacked up shoulder.
And a furiousness that is being fanned out in a few ways... dependent upon the moment.

Here's how the furious fans out in the calm, good moments:
It's a clear answer to a consistent and confused prayer I've prayed numerous times over the last few years.
How?
1. It could have been way worse. It was just bad enough that there is no way I'd ever go back.
2. It was random enough that i can't take part of the blame even if i wanted to.
3. K wasn't there/didn't have to see it
4. It's the only way he would have to go away and STAY away.
5. It gave me an experience like I've NEVER before experienced. Truthfully, an experience that will be helpful in my line of work/being a DV advocate.  I've now felt all the horrid emotions that are integrated into abusive relationships and situations.
Empathy. Testimony. Compassion.

In the not so good moments:
It looks much like the above song lyrics. Sawed-off shotgun anyone?
Or... can I just f*** up his only object of self-reliance and self-confidence?... His face!

Today- for the first time since it happened- I am leaning heavily on the "not so" side.
I know it's a scale and as almost always in my mind, when I find my center again... the good will win out.

Until then-
Thanks for reminding me what this little girl's made of...

This would be my latest impulse buy. Although, not super impulsive because I've been coveting the same with a blue background (wishing it wasn't blue) for awhile. Then, be it fate or fortuitous, I came across this one. 


The semi-settledness condition of my life still has me saying "ahhhh" and at the same time feeling ancy. It's a curious combination but one that I'm existing with in a "keep calm and carry on" kind of way. And truthfully, not wanting to change. I want the calm. the settled. I look forward to the exciting but really am not craving it fully yet. The "ahhhh" is good for now.


So, cheers to all this image entails...