I feel like I was entrusted with a blessing and pretty much screwed everything up by losing sight of my convictions AND by becoming a control freak. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog this week that I heard that thing on the radio that talked about how God gives us something and then we're like, "Sweet. Thanks! Now let me make sure this goes down how I want it to." Yeah, that would be me. To a tee.
I'm praying for restoration of the relationship, regardless of the damages I've caused, but if not, I've learned a lot and am re-focused on the path that I need/want to be on.
I still don't like the "if not" thought tho... I'll just say that.
What I have in the makings to continue down said path:
~I have initiated hosting the "twenty something" group for Element. I have requested a DVD curriculum, as who am I to be able to teach? lol
~Devotions with Kahyim will start back up tomorrow morning
~Gym time for mama (that's me) after work every day. I need this. My goal is set to train for the Bolder Boulder.
~After righting my commitments today, I will again be starting to serve the Element in the tech side of things
~I'm re-committing to getting on my knees every night to pray. Oct - Dec I made this commitment and only missed like two nights. This time I've expanded my base to: Kahyim; Current Relationship Status/Said Boy; Future Relationship Decisions.
I think this is a good start. If I overload, I'll fail.
Church yesterday was amazing. Totally about things I needed to hear, while completely cleansing as well.
Why do I continually allow myself to draw away from the one thing that provides stability, blessings and wholeness to my soul?
What hurts the most is knowing my decisions envoke hurt not on myself, but on K and said other party as well. Being reminded of these negative emotions brought on by living on my own understanding has definitely re-directed me. I've been "drilled" with verses from numerous sources this week and ironically, a few were repeats. One popped up in so many places, I printed it out and it's hanging here on the wall. It is 1 Cor. 13:7:
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."
The other is 2 John 1:6:
"Love is doing what God has commanded us, and he has commanded us to love one another, just as you heard from the begininng."
Although I'm still hurting, I'm excited. Excited to see what's in store for us K-girls... Excited to make better decisions and enjoy the benefits of them.
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